The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
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ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Seas the day!!!!
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.