Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
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Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.