me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
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[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
unbelievably distressed by this ad
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
This will never not be funny 😭
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.