beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
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How did people charge their phones before electricity?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.