People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
You Might Also Like
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
dogs can find happiness so easily
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)