my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
You Might Also Like
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Gemma Correll
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.