Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
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if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.