Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
You Might Also Like
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
They got Raph!
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!