[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
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Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies