[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
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a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”