(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
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her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.