Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
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I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。