Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
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“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly