Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
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Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Dietest Coke
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.