MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
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Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty