little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
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Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?