My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
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wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.