My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
You Might Also Like
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
A classic…
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.