What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
This can never not be funny 😭😭
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.