I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
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[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
“and how does that make you feel?”
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?