[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
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Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.