I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!