the rocks need my help
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Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Spring of Deception
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started