My life coach traded me.
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I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.