To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
You Might Also Like
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that