Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
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You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
How it started How it’s going
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.