Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
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It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.