{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
You Might Also Like
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!