How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
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bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?