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Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.