Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
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the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting