Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
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A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
When they try to steal your moment.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Ladies, why y’all do this?
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.