Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.