Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I can’t deal with men any longer
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.