I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
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[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
me hooking up with my ex
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
This is the one
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.