14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
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Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.