Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it鈥檚 probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Kid: I don鈥檛 like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don鈥檛 like chicken nuggets anymore.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Dad: Nobody thinks you鈥檙e funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I鈥檓 funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don鈥檛 fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son鈥檚 been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 馃檨
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Taliband
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.