Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
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Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.