I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
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Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
i hate you platonically
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know