Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
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Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
The cashier just checked me out.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please