This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
You Might Also Like
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”