I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
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*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
selfie game
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?