Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
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The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
decorating my apartment
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound: