“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
You Might Also Like
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.