Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
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I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
DOOO EEEET
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof