Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
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[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that