[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
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Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
this post was so formative to me