If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
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I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
😜
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.