AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
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My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
He’s dead
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Customer is always right
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.