Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
jesus, what did this guy do
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.